Step 1: Identify the Problem

Wine, coffee, and cheese may be the mantra I stick to for a long time. (I think it's weird that two of my vices at this point are beverages, as opposed to drugs or penises or fake sugar.) But that doesn't mean I should exploit any one of them to the point of disaster. By disaster I don't mean any one of the following, on its own or combined: a) gaseous dairy coma, b) shaking legs and fingers, c) purple lips and tongue. Those are the least of the problems. The real disasters are a) naughty dirty raucous disappointing decisions, b) intense nausea, c) 4 hours or less of sleep, d) too many calories to even count or justify, e) incomprehensible yelling, moaning, and other generally awful noises.

How, you may ask, are these three things related? I'll tell you:
I have a rough day because I am tired and bloated (presumably from drinking too much wine and eating too much cheese), so I come home from work/school/sorority shit and I sit on my couch with a bowl of cheesy pasta and a glass of Cab. Why? to make me feel better, duh. The only thing to cure a hangover is more alcohol and carbs. Everyone knows that. Then I stay up late because I'm too full and drunk to move (picture: lying flat on my back in bed, something like Stranger Than Fiction playing on the tv, occasional moans and sighs as I click through my cell phone, barely able to keep my eyes open, looking for someone fun to drunk dial, when I realize that I am not even going to be fun to talk to at this point, so, more moaning and sobbing while Harold Crick almost gets killed by a bus).

Fast forward to 8am the next morning. I have to literally peel my eyelids from the tops of my cheeks. My body is frozen. I have no control over the shaking. It's 25 degrees at most in my room, but I can't even snuggle under the covers because I'm too dehydrated to move. After more groaning and snoozing the alarm, I finally force my skin to leave the sheets. Then I chug a cup of coffee. Then I get in the shower. Then I stop at Dunkin Donuts or The Bean and chug another cup. Then I get to class and am paralyzed with shaking again. Then I eat cheese for lunch because I'm so hungover and tired that I need more salt and fat and carbs so at least my mind is happy while my body struggles. Then I get home, open a new bottle, and begin again.

So, what should I give up for Lent?