And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin
Sometimes its hard to say things out loud because the act of forming the words makes them real. Whats even harder is writing down these things we think. Putting thoughts and plans on papers means they are real. We have thought those thoughts, planned those plans and now we have something to be held accountable for.
I guess what I am trying to say is its natural to be a little afraid of these thoughts, but we cannot hide. We should use this as a tool. By voicing what we want in this life we are not jinxing ourselves, rather enforcing ourselves. Strengthening our belief in ourselves and giving ourselves a mark to measure up to.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Here I'm allowed. Everything. All of the time.
I am in a weird mood. A crazy, caffeinated mood that is making me think things I normally wouldn't, shouldn't. I want a tattoo. Right now. The parlor is only one block away, I could go. I want to jump and dance around. Actually I did, behind the locked bathroom door below this coffee shop. I also want to have sex. Spontaneous, passionate sex. I guess I could do this too. I am a girl and their are guys in this coffee shop... but I wouldn't even know how to go about initiating that sort of thing. This is a good thing because one more sip of coffee and I would start acting on these ideas.
In New York City you can get anything you want anytime you want it. The fast paced nature of the city and the short attention span of most New Yorkers make this a place of instant gratification. But what about when you want more than that? What about when you want to be touched, held, loved by someone else? Someone who will be there for more than just tonight. Can you get that here, here in this city of self-involvement?
Its easy to blend into the crowd here. Not because of how diverse it is but because no one looking at the crowd cares too much about singling anyone else out. You can do, wear, say anything and still appear relatively normal and anonymous compared to everyone else. You're allowed to do anything you want, anytime.
This is not a city for those lacking in self-control। No one else cares what you do, so if you can't control your life no one will stop you from getting carried away. I guess I am feeling on edge. The edge of control and just letting go. What stops me from giving in to these spontaneous urges?
Breath. Control. Live. Love.
In New York City you can get anything you want anytime you want it. The fast paced nature of the city and the short attention span of most New Yorkers make this a place of instant gratification. But what about when you want more than that? What about when you want to be touched, held, loved by someone else? Someone who will be there for more than just tonight. Can you get that here, here in this city of self-involvement?
Its easy to blend into the crowd here. Not because of how diverse it is but because no one looking at the crowd cares too much about singling anyone else out. You can do, wear, say anything and still appear relatively normal and anonymous compared to everyone else. You're allowed to do anything you want, anytime.
This is not a city for those lacking in self-control। No one else cares what you do, so if you can't control your life no one will stop you from getting carried away. I guess I am feeling on edge. The edge of control and just letting go. What stops me from giving in to these spontaneous urges?
Breath. Control. Live. Love.
Monday, October 22, 2007
avoidance
Sometimes I feel like writing in this blog just to avoid writing other things. This makes no sense to me. Whether I am writing here or writing a paper my fingers/eyes/body do the exact same thing. If I can make myself focus on this screen and type this, why can't I write my philosophy paper? It's not even a boring subject, its about treating animals morally. Maybe if I started drafting my paper here I would be more productive, but I would not want to subject anyone to 1750 words of my rambling. Instead I will list for you all the other things I have done today in an effort to avoid the end of the weekend:
Baked cupcakes (with funfetti icing, the best)
Tie-died (many things, including my sheets and Ron's clothes)
Cleaned, alot
Ate Pizza and popcorn. This was after eating cupcakes.
Watched many episodes of Law & Order thanks to USA marathons
Played with Marley, kept him from jumping in pots of tie-die
Video chatted with Colleen even though we were sitting on the same couch
Read 3 articles about Dumbledore's newly exposed sexuallity
and finally this wandering blog posting
Things I have not done today:
Written my paper.
still.
Baked cupcakes (with funfetti icing, the best)
Tie-died (many things, including my sheets and Ron's clothes)
Cleaned, alot
Ate Pizza and popcorn. This was after eating cupcakes.
Watched many episodes of Law & Order thanks to USA marathons
Played with Marley, kept him from jumping in pots of tie-die
Video chatted with Colleen even though we were sitting on the same couch
Read 3 articles about Dumbledore's newly exposed sexuallity
and finally this wandering blog posting
Things I have not done today:
Written my paper.
still.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Addiction.
n. 1. compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of a heroin addiction.
2. the condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something: had an addiction for fast cars.
According to yourdictionary.com, the word 'addiction' has a relatively straight-forward definition (although the examples they give suck and don't give you any indication of what the word actually means. maybe because it's a word that most everyone understands the meaning of?). The best part about looking up this word on yourdictionary.com is the Google ads that show up above it:
Adult Treatment Program.
End the Addiction Cycle: End cravings, depression, anxiety. A natural approach to rehab.
Non 12 Step Addiction.
(click on any of the above and pay 2 months salary to see results!)
Does the fact that I am looking up the definition to this word that seemingly everyone is trying to find a solution to mean that I should click the links get some help? Obviously not, because it's not like I actually have an addiction problem. Especially when it comes to Gmail.
I am not addicted (habitually or compulsively occupied) to Gmail because:
I don't get nervous tension when I don't check it for more than 2 hours.
I don't compulsively organize, delete, star, and respond to every single email I receive.
I don't open the Gmail window/hit refresh every 3 seconds to see if someone has sent me anything.
I don't look forward to Gchatting more than I look forward to seeing my family.
I don't fall into the trap of getting all the extra gadgets associated with Gmail and Google (Picasa, iGoogle, blogger, etc.).
Hmm... right.
So what's the difference between an 'addiction' and an 'obsession'? Shall we consult the loyal and handy yourdictionary.com? (am I the only one who uses this site?)
n. 1. compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. a compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.
Above the definition is the Google ad for 'OCD Symptoms: Signs of Obsessive Compulsives Compare All the Signs of OCD obsessive-compulsive-symptoms.org'
Great. We need people to go on this web site and analyze their behavior, unprofessionally dubbing themselves as a victim of OCD, and actually becoming obsessively compulsed to believe that they have OCD. I really love when people comment about their 'OCD behaviors' or the fact that they really really think they do have perhaps a 'mild' form of OCD. Look, just because you wash your hands a lot or have to check the lock three times before you leave the house does not mean that you have OCD.
I started writing this post a long time ago. It's still true. I go into stores and pick out 20 things and try them on in the dressing room. I want all of them. I leave most of them with the girl in the dressing room with all the plastic numbers and start carrying the chosen ones to the register. 'You don't need these. You have no money. You are fat. You could be spending this money on traveling/eating/drinking.' Nothing works; I keep walking toward the register and take out my credit card while I'm in line so I don't change my mind. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance? New clothes? What?
I'm sick of this font.
2. the condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something: had an addiction for fast cars.
According to yourdictionary.com, the word 'addiction' has a relatively straight-forward definition (although the examples they give suck and don't give you any indication of what the word actually means. maybe because it's a word that most everyone understands the meaning of?). The best part about looking up this word on yourdictionary.com is the Google ads that show up above it:
Adult Treatment Program.
End the Addiction Cycle: End cravings, depression, anxiety. A natural approach to rehab.
Non 12 Step Addiction.
(click on any of the above and pay 2 months salary to see results!)
Does the fact that I am looking up the definition to this word that seemingly everyone is trying to find a solution to mean that I should click the links get some help? Obviously not, because it's not like I actually have an addiction problem. Especially when it comes to Gmail.
I am not addicted (habitually or compulsively occupied) to Gmail because:
I don't get nervous tension when I don't check it for more than 2 hours.
I don't compulsively organize, delete, star, and respond to every single email I receive.
I don't open the Gmail window/hit refresh every 3 seconds to see if someone has sent me anything.
I don't look forward to Gchatting more than I look forward to seeing my family.
I don't fall into the trap of getting all the extra gadgets associated with Gmail and Google (Picasa, iGoogle, blogger, etc.).
Hmm... right.
So what's the difference between an 'addiction' and an 'obsession'? Shall we consult the loyal and handy yourdictionary.com? (am I the only one who uses this site?)
n. 1. compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. a compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.
Above the definition is the Google ad for 'OCD Symptoms: Signs of Obsessive Compulsives Compare All the Signs of OCD obsessive-compulsive-symptoms.org'
Great. We need people to go on this web site and analyze their behavior, unprofessionally dubbing themselves as a victim of OCD, and actually becoming obsessively compulsed to believe that they have OCD. I really love when people comment about their 'OCD behaviors' or the fact that they really really think they do have perhaps a 'mild' form of OCD. Look, just because you wash your hands a lot or have to check the lock three times before you leave the house does not mean that you have OCD.
I started writing this post a long time ago. It's still true. I go into stores and pick out 20 things and try them on in the dressing room. I want all of them. I leave most of them with the girl in the dressing room with all the plastic numbers and start carrying the chosen ones to the register. 'You don't need these. You have no money. You are fat. You could be spending this money on traveling/eating/drinking.' Nothing works; I keep walking toward the register and take out my credit card while I'm in line so I don't change my mind. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance? New clothes? What?
I'm sick of this font.
what happened?
... i wanna be forgotten
and i don't wanna be reminded
i said please don't make this harder...
and i don't wanna be reminded
i said please don't make this harder...
I find myself hiding, or trying to hide, all the time. I learned my roommates' morning schedules so I can try to wake up at a time when they are either sleeping or not home. I rush out of the building to catch the tram that most people don't take to class with my iPod headphones in my ears and pretend to still be sleeping so I don't have to make conversation with anyone. I rush in and out of class, hoping they will think I'm in some kind of a hurry and don't have time to chat. I am constantly searching for small dark cafes to read and do my work in. I go in the single person darkroom and lock the door and take off my clothes so I can develop negatives naked. What happened?
I have this skin tab. Just one. I think skin tabs are the most nasty unnecessary things in the whole world. What the hell are they? Little ugly flaps of skin that just sit there. They don't do anything for you, but they don't hurt you either so there's really no reason to do anything about them unless you're me and think they should all burn in hell. Anyway, I have this skin tab. And it came out of no where and began growing over the summer. I looked at it every day. I thought it had stopped growing, until Sunday when it hurt. I thought it was something else that hurt, maybe one of the bruises I get out of no where all the time, so I looked at it. It was huge and swollen and red like a pimple. I threw up in my mouth. I put some cortisone cream on it, because that cures everything, and googled 'skin tab.' Apparently they are benign tumors. Sweet, I now have a tumor. Nothing said anything about them being painful, unless they are on the anus, which mine is definitely not. The next day, yesterday, I noticed it wasn't as big or as painful. What the fuck. I said, Freddy, remember that skin tab I have? He knows about it because I obsessed about it over the summer just like I'm obsessing about it now. He said Yeah, what about it? Well I told him the story and he said Maybe you need to get it removed. Fuck. I didn't want to go to a Czech doctor, or be subjected to knives or freezing of any sort. Who knows what they will do to me. I'll give it 2 more days. This morning I woke up and it was gone. It was a small red scab. It wasn't even a raised scab. What happened?
Hopefully I didn't will some doctor to come into my room in my sleep and cut it off. Hopefully it just knew how much I hated it and felt underappreciated and left. I mean that's what I would do.
I have this skin tab. Just one. I think skin tabs are the most nasty unnecessary things in the whole world. What the hell are they? Little ugly flaps of skin that just sit there. They don't do anything for you, but they don't hurt you either so there's really no reason to do anything about them unless you're me and think they should all burn in hell. Anyway, I have this skin tab. And it came out of no where and began growing over the summer. I looked at it every day. I thought it had stopped growing, until Sunday when it hurt. I thought it was something else that hurt, maybe one of the bruises I get out of no where all the time, so I looked at it. It was huge and swollen and red like a pimple. I threw up in my mouth. I put some cortisone cream on it, because that cures everything, and googled 'skin tab.' Apparently they are benign tumors. Sweet, I now have a tumor. Nothing said anything about them being painful, unless they are on the anus, which mine is definitely not. The next day, yesterday, I noticed it wasn't as big or as painful. What the fuck. I said, Freddy, remember that skin tab I have? He knows about it because I obsessed about it over the summer just like I'm obsessing about it now. He said Yeah, what about it? Well I told him the story and he said Maybe you need to get it removed. Fuck. I didn't want to go to a Czech doctor, or be subjected to knives or freezing of any sort. Who knows what they will do to me. I'll give it 2 more days. This morning I woke up and it was gone. It was a small red scab. It wasn't even a raised scab. What happened?
Hopefully I didn't will some doctor to come into my room in my sleep and cut it off. Hopefully it just knew how much I hated it and felt underappreciated and left. I mean that's what I would do.
Monday, October 15, 2007
100 Things
I am in class that makes me think about me and my goals and dreams. Its very fun but not as easy as you would expect. For example, I had to think of 100 things to do in my life time. That may not seem like very many things to do before you die, but when you have to think about the 100 things you want to invest your life and time and sweat in, its a little harder. I have 61 and counting. Suggestions are welcome.
1. Keep up with a blog for more than two months
2. Keep a journal if I get lazy about the blog, and write in it everyday
3. Fall in love
4. Climb El Cap mountain in Yosemite National park
5. Serve in the Peace Corps
6. Run in a marathon and run the last 8 miles with my dad
7. Get certified to teach yoga
8. Live in India
9. Live in New Orleans, Washington DC, San Francisco, and Sydney for a bit
10. Love my job
11. Work for an organization that makes a difference in this world
12. Work for a music festival
13. Run an environmentally friendly, traveling, band merchandise and photography business for festivals with Jess
14. Open my own café with delicious fair-trade coffee, excellent music, open mic nights, board games, and generally awesome patrons
15. Stop biting my nails
16. Sleep on a beach all night. Sleep outside in the mountains all night.
17. Go on a blind date
18. Eat healthier
19. Get flat abs, successfully complete a pull-up
20. Get married once and forever
21. Learn to cook Indian food
22. Visit Dubai, Prague, Morocco, Greece, Ibiza, Ireland, Egypt, Sierra Leone, Kenya, Chile, Bolivia, Croatia, Cuba, and counting
23. Become more spiritual
24. Get a doggy
25. Visit both of my brothers at college
26. Be “cool aunt Liz”
27. Be a Maid of Honor, and plan an awesome bachelorette party
28. Learn to play guitar
29. Write love songs for my guitar.
30. Go to a Bruce Springsteen concert with my dad
31. Work on a political campaign
32. Meet Barack Obama
33. Learn to bartend
34. Get a masters degree, in international undecideness…
35. Be financially independent
36. Learn to do my own taxes
37. Float the River, go to Austin
38. Climb and hike in Joshua Tree National Park
39. Give a really good, powerful speech
40. Be supremely happy
41. Make someone else supremely happy
42. Make my parents proud
43. Inspire a child to learn and let them know being a nerd is ok
44. Keep in touch with friends and family, write Christmas cards every year
45. If I have kids, I will have two and I will take them camping once a year. I will raise them overseas and teach them French. I will take them to Keuka Lake and teach tem to water ski. I will plant trees with them and take them berry picking.
46. Read more, a lot more.
47. Be on the Amazing Race, be on Cash Cab
48. Volunteer at the Olympic Games
49. Make out in pouring rain
50. Save someone’s life
51. Get another tattoo
52. Ride in a hot air balloon
53. Drive from San Diego to Alaska
54. Attend an Indian wedding and bhangra dance
55. Learn to be more patient
56. Learn to let go
57. Write my own theme song
58. Work for the UN
59. Figure out what I am supposed to do in this life
60. Love someone else unconditionally
61. Matter.
I hope I am getting an A in this class... would a B- mean my dreams are just satisfactory? I think my list is pretty sweet, it is mine, after all. Your turn!
1. Keep up with a blog for more than two months
2. Keep a journal if I get lazy about the blog, and write in it everyday
3. Fall in love
4. Climb El Cap mountain in Yosemite National park
5. Serve in the Peace Corps
6. Run in a marathon and run the last 8 miles with my dad
7. Get certified to teach yoga
8. Live in India
9. Live in New Orleans, Washington DC, San Francisco, and Sydney for a bit
10. Love my job
11. Work for an organization that makes a difference in this world
12. Work for a music festival
13. Run an environmentally friendly, traveling, band merchandise and photography business for festivals with Jess
14. Open my own café with delicious fair-trade coffee, excellent music, open mic nights, board games, and generally awesome patrons
15. Stop biting my nails
16. Sleep on a beach all night. Sleep outside in the mountains all night.
17. Go on a blind date
18. Eat healthier
19. Get flat abs, successfully complete a pull-up
20. Get married once and forever
21. Learn to cook Indian food
22. Visit Dubai, Prague, Morocco, Greece, Ibiza, Ireland, Egypt, Sierra Leone, Kenya, Chile, Bolivia, Croatia, Cuba, and counting
23. Become more spiritual
24. Get a doggy
25. Visit both of my brothers at college
26. Be “cool aunt Liz”
27. Be a Maid of Honor, and plan an awesome bachelorette party
28. Learn to play guitar
29. Write love songs for my guitar.
30. Go to a Bruce Springsteen concert with my dad
31. Work on a political campaign
32. Meet Barack Obama
33. Learn to bartend
34. Get a masters degree, in international undecideness…
35. Be financially independent
36. Learn to do my own taxes
37. Float the River, go to Austin
38. Climb and hike in Joshua Tree National Park
39. Give a really good, powerful speech
40. Be supremely happy
41. Make someone else supremely happy
42. Make my parents proud
43. Inspire a child to learn and let them know being a nerd is ok
44. Keep in touch with friends and family, write Christmas cards every year
45. If I have kids, I will have two and I will take them camping once a year. I will raise them overseas and teach them French. I will take them to Keuka Lake and teach tem to water ski. I will plant trees with them and take them berry picking.
46. Read more, a lot more.
47. Be on the Amazing Race, be on Cash Cab
48. Volunteer at the Olympic Games
49. Make out in pouring rain
50. Save someone’s life
51. Get another tattoo
52. Ride in a hot air balloon
53. Drive from San Diego to Alaska
54. Attend an Indian wedding and bhangra dance
55. Learn to be more patient
56. Learn to let go
57. Write my own theme song
58. Work for the UN
59. Figure out what I am supposed to do in this life
60. Love someone else unconditionally
61. Matter.
I hope I am getting an A in this class... would a B- mean my dreams are just satisfactory? I think my list is pretty sweet, it is mine, after all. Your turn!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
The Daily Commute
Given my new single status, that is to say, my best friend-roommate-commiserator left me for exciting and foreign horizons, I have been walking to school alone. It's amazing all the things you notice when you walk the same blocks day after day....
I leave the apartment, checking three times for my keys, wallet, and phone and running back downstairs at least twice. Outside, I immediately realize how much hotter it is on the street than on our patio—a phenomenon I am sure can be explained somehow by global warming. Walking passed the assisted living home, large black men greet me with Spanish words I have come to accept as terms of endearment, i.e.) mamasita and si si senorita. Then the homeless man on his chair outside of Adinah's tips his hat and exclaims, "Hello Darling!" and I nod in response.
Walking on, I cross avenue C where the light never changes and pedestrians always have the right-of-way. I now pass the Peach Blossom garden where the late and great Ms. Juanita Rivera used to sit daily and watch over her community. Now the lovely community of the Murray Itzkowitz house has set up a memorial to honor Ms. Rivera and her lawn chair.
Passing the firehouse between C and B, I stop to see which puppies the boys are entertaining today. Then it's the restaurants I wish I could afford to eat at everyday, Il Baggato and Supper. I also wish I had the time to just sit outside and sip wine like all the skinny hipsters. Now I am on A where the best deli in the city sells beautiful, colorful bouquets all year round. Between A and 1st avenue is a long block. Wide, and always splattered with dog poop. I really should consider another route. At 1st I turn up to go to Kudo Bean and get my iced Hawaiian hazelnut coffee. (Except, now it goes by “The Bean” and I have switched to green tea. Shocking!) Walking down 3rd st, I always smile at Ms. Reese who has gotten a new sign that reads "Physic Reader" but she is still just as lurking an top heavy. Next, I pass the Pak Punjabi deli where I like to buy Bollywood VHS's because it's cheaper than renting them. (Or else, I misunderstood the pricing rules…) I love 2nd avenue. Mostly because the little white man stays white for so long and I never have to run to avoid being hit by a cab. However, Bowery is not so accommodating. I always get stuck on the dirty median, smelling that lovely diesel aroma and definitely sweating. The only thing I can say about 3rd between Bowery and Lafayette is that it has been under construction since I got here. That is over 3 years! I hope they are hiding some sort of building masterpiece behind the wooden facades. Lafayette is great because you can always jaywalk and it results in my 2nd firehouse walk-by on my way to campus. Mmm. Now, can you believe I am already at Broadway? Well I can because I have 4 minutes to make it to class on the fourth floor. You always have to wait for the little man on Broadway, unless you want to die. Once upon a time, I may have stopped here to visit Bath and Body Works and applied extraneous amounts of lotion and shimmer samples to my body, but this act is not as amusing solo. I run down 3rd, around truck beds and more construction, to climb the back, secret stairs to Gould Plaza. I look all over for my ID card, find it in my hand, and rush into the building and up the stairs. Success! I sit, and sweat some more, and class begins....
That is just a little taste 2nd street for ya. Miss it yet??
I leave the apartment, checking three times for my keys, wallet, and phone and running back downstairs at least twice. Outside, I immediately realize how much hotter it is on the street than on our patio—a phenomenon I am sure can be explained somehow by global warming. Walking passed the assisted living home, large black men greet me with Spanish words I have come to accept as terms of endearment, i.e.) mamasita and si si senorita. Then the homeless man on his chair outside of Adinah's tips his hat and exclaims, "Hello Darling!" and I nod in response.
Walking on, I cross avenue C where the light never changes and pedestrians always have the right-of-way. I now pass the Peach Blossom garden where the late and great Ms. Juanita Rivera used to sit daily and watch over her community. Now the lovely community of the Murray Itzkowitz house has set up a memorial to honor Ms. Rivera and her lawn chair.
Passing the firehouse between C and B, I stop to see which puppies the boys are entertaining today. Then it's the restaurants I wish I could afford to eat at everyday, Il Baggato and Supper. I also wish I had the time to just sit outside and sip wine like all the skinny hipsters. Now I am on A where the best deli in the city sells beautiful, colorful bouquets all year round. Between A and 1st avenue is a long block. Wide, and always splattered with dog poop. I really should consider another route. At 1st I turn up to go to Kudo Bean and get my iced Hawaiian hazelnut coffee. (Except, now it goes by “The Bean” and I have switched to green tea. Shocking!) Walking down 3rd st, I always smile at Ms. Reese who has gotten a new sign that reads "Physic Reader" but she is still just as lurking an top heavy. Next, I pass the Pak Punjabi deli where I like to buy Bollywood VHS's because it's cheaper than renting them. (Or else, I misunderstood the pricing rules…) I love 2nd avenue. Mostly because the little white man stays white for so long and I never have to run to avoid being hit by a cab. However, Bowery is not so accommodating. I always get stuck on the dirty median, smelling that lovely diesel aroma and definitely sweating. The only thing I can say about 3rd between Bowery and Lafayette is that it has been under construction since I got here. That is over 3 years! I hope they are hiding some sort of building masterpiece behind the wooden facades. Lafayette is great because you can always jaywalk and it results in my 2nd firehouse walk-by on my way to campus. Mmm. Now, can you believe I am already at Broadway? Well I can because I have 4 minutes to make it to class on the fourth floor. You always have to wait for the little man on Broadway, unless you want to die. Once upon a time, I may have stopped here to visit Bath and Body Works and applied extraneous amounts of lotion and shimmer samples to my body, but this act is not as amusing solo. I run down 3rd, around truck beds and more construction, to climb the back, secret stairs to Gould Plaza. I look all over for my ID card, find it in my hand, and rush into the building and up the stairs. Success! I sit, and sweat some more, and class begins....
That is just a little taste 2nd street for ya. Miss it yet??
Re: Love handles
Love handles are called such for a reason. Handle (n.): Something you clutch, hold on to, keep. Love (1.v.): To like, cherish, adore. (2.n.) The act of connection, intimacy, sex, pleasure. So add this all together and love handles are a good thing. If anyone objectsto my reasoning they should give holding and loving a try.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
it wasn't me, it was my fat.
today at yoga i was feeling really good. i had eaten really healthy food all day, got a really good night's sleep last night (ahem 14 hours to be exact) and was in a perfect state to be working out. i was sweating a lot and moving effortlessly into the poses and balancing better than usual. and then we went from warrior one into warrior two into reverse warrior. and i starting pushing deeper into the stretch. and it felt fine. and then the teacher came around and started moving and twisting my body and trying to push me even deeper like she usually does. but i couldn't go any deeper because my love handles were in the way. my fat love handles were keeping me from perfect reverse warrior! how/when did this happen? when i got to prague and started eating sausages and and cheese and drinking beer all the time. but wait, i actually haven't done that in weeks. i haven't even gone out in prague in weeks because i would rather eat food and chocolate than try and fit into my citizens. when did THAT happen? when i stopped caring about what other people thought of me and started wearing sweatpants to class. don't get me wrong, i am not actually a cow. i do still fit into all my clothes. but i can tell i have put on weight and as much as i want to be skinny i don't actually care that much because i would always rather eat new foods and drink new wines, and if that means i have to go to the gym a lot and not go out and binge drink every night then FINE! i guess i have my priorities straight. at least for now...
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